Monday, May 08, 2006

3am and still awake

I'm trying to finish a paper at the last minute, it's due tomorrow either at noon or at 5pm...I'm actually not sure. Its for the kind of Prof who leaves town abandoning all papers turned in 15 minutes past the deadline and parcels out F's like mints. I'll probably have it done by 5.

Along with my constant sleepiness I've been shockingly apathetic about everything for months now. This entire year has been an exercise in courting disaster for me, really. I've been doing such a half-assed job of everything and, while I fear failure in some abstract sense, I no longer seem to fear it enough to make myself take steps to avoid it. Worse, despite the fact that I actually LIKE what I do, my interest in it doesn't seem to be much of a motivator.

I thought maybe I could blame recent excessive television viewing for some of this, but then my satellite receiver broke and I was TV-less for four days until they sent me a new one. During that period of time I did nothing at all. I just sat in a chair staring out the window, listened to an audiobook, or slept. Normally when I'm putting off doing work I have this excess of nervous energy and I clean the house...anything to keep from sitting still. Now though, I am all about sitting still...except for the tongue chewing and nail biting bit.

I could be depressed, I suppose. Before when I was depressed, though, I FELT it. I was, not to belabor the obvious, deeply, deeply sad...and deeply crazy. This does not feel like at all like that did. Plus the Zoloft's been doing a pretty good job of keeping the volume knob on the crazy tuned to a reasonable level ('s suddenly stopped working.)

Today I decided to do some internet research on this and found that there is a (rather small) movement in the psychiatric community to get "Apathy" declared as a DSM mental illness. Depression, Anxiety...and Apathy??? I dunno.

I think the thing that troubles me the most is that I can't even begin to draw the line between "grad student normal" and "major depression." Isn't all of what I just described actually pretty much, like, most of us a lot of the time?


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