Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Things we already know, already

After being lectured more or less non-stop for our entire goddamn lives by everybody, I would like to announce that we all know the following things.....

1. We're all too fat. The average American's BMI is 700, we watch too much TV, the only exercise we get is shoveling food into our enormous maws. We're fat. we get it.

2. Our pets are also too fat. Mine in particular. My cat Tilda sleeps draped across my chest every night and it is exactly like being crushed under a purring boulder. This is BAD for her, yes, diabetes...heart disease...arthritis...blah blah blah, I KNOW.

3. If we have children, those children are also too fat. I don't have kids yet, but when I do, I bet they'll be pretty fucking fat.

4. If we don't have children and we're women, we're all waiting too long to have children. I'm 32 and I don't have kids yet. I won't be having them anytime soon, because I'm broke and single and will be for the foreseeable future. By the time I can afford kids and/or will be a relationship I'll be in my late 30's, if I'm lucky, and my babies will all be born retarded and with flippers. Yes, I know. (if we don't have children and we're men, worries, mate! Just wait until you're 50 or so and then marry a 12 year old. That's what everyone else does.)

5. We have too much credit card debt. Hell, I'm still paying 22 percent interest on groceries I bought 7 years ago....oh, and also on the two months rent this last year that I had to put on my Mastercard. In case you were wondering, I can actually do simple math. I do understand that I'm losing money this way.

6. Smoking is bad for us. Drugs are also bad for us.

7. We drink too much.

8. We're all too stressed. We need to learn to relax. Stress is a killer...heart disease...strokes...cancer, blah, blah, blah. WE NEED TO LEARN TO RELAX OR WE'LL FUCKING DIE! We get it.....Thanks.


Blogger dorotha said...

have you been watching local news?

4:31 AM  
Blogger sep said...

geeze, jesss, i didn't know you'd taken up smoking AND drugs!

1:01 PM  
Blogger astrid jane said...

I avoid watching the local news. But I also smoke and take mountains of drugs...mountains...whenever possible. My picture is now up on that "The Face of Meth" site.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous ejg said...

might i also add that it has been irrefutably demonstrated that:

1. attractive people are more successful in getting jobs, romantic partners, and pretty much everything else--from help with a flat tire to attention at parties. the vast majority of us are not, by the way, all that attractive.

2. if you're a partnered, heterosexual female, you're working longer hours, more stressed, and snowed under more responsibility than your fella. you're still making somewhere around $0.75 to his dollar for the same work, doing the lion's share of the domestic labor, and getting less sleep. if you get divorced, your economic well-being will decline and his will improve. but cheer up, ladies! you've got the longer lifespan in which to enjoy it all!

11:10 AM  
Blogger astrid jane said...

Amen to that, ejg

11:03 AM  

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