Tuesday, January 03, 2006

i. don't. care.

Tomorrow I take the political prelim, and I do not feel prepared. I have been studying for this thing, off and on (mostly off,) since June. There is a decent chance that I will not pass it, because motivating myself to study for it has been like pushing a stone slab up a hill. The major literatures have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with my research or my research interests. Studying them has been a task akin to memorizing names and numbers from a 1974 copy of the Barstow, California Yellow Pages.

There are some literatures on the political prelim that I actually like, but they rarely come up as questions...so I haven't really studied them. This is an unfortunate strategic response to having to study for a test in which there is a huge body of literature, and one is working under a time constraint. If I get asked a question on something I like and will eventually use in my Dissertation research (citizenship, nationalism, discourse, etc) it will be especially cruel, because odds are I will be unable to answer it.

If I fail this thing tomorrow, all that will happen, supposedly, is that I will retake it in August. Except that this is grad school and of course there's all this shame and guilt associated with everything, so I'll end up feeling ashamed and guilty. My advisor will let me know how horribly dissapointed in me she is and I'll feel like total shit. I won't have a good excuse for not passing it, either. Just that I couldn't quite pull it together to do the unbelievable volume of studying necessary to confidently pass the fucking thing.


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