Monday, June 13, 2005

The Wish List

Recently Angela put a post entitled Are you the one? on the blog she shares with Katy (I can't seem to link to that exact post...but scroll down, you'll find it.) In it she asks people to respond with what their "non-negotiables" are in a partner.

I don't know what my non-negotiables are...but recent dating experience has left me with a list of "strongly worded suggestions" Here goes:

1. My recent doomed relationship with someone I'll refer to here only as The Professor made me realize how much I'd like to date another academic. Yeah...I know...most people I know would rather sit through the Patch Adams director's cut than date an academic, because academics are generally weird, pretentious, and boring. Still, when you find one that isn't boring or too pretentious (weird I can usually handle,) you realize how nice it is to be with someone who shares your same social world--especially when you work in similar fields. You share the same interests, the same life's work, the same career anxieties and long term goals, and the same fucked up work schedule. Plus you tend to know a lot of the same people and you can pass hours together, cuddled under the covers, talking smack about them.

2. I would like to date someone who is a reader, but that is not required.

3. My partner would have to be politically left of center, but it would be very nice if he/she were not a smackable, self-righteous hippie...or vegan.

4. He or she would have to have a good sense of humor. Preferably a dark, sarcastic one. One of my exe's constantly told jokes she had picked up from mass emails with subject lines like "FW:FW:FW:35 more lawyer jokes." That does not count as a sense of humor. Daisy used to like to ask people if they "wanted to see her pussy" and then she would pull up her sleeve to reveal a crude tattoo of a cat. That also does not count.

5. Its fine if you have very good taste in music, including a carefully cultivated appreciation of cutting edge indie rock, West-coast hip hop, lounge music or whatever, but you shouldn't feel that gives you the right to look down on me or subject me to pedantic lectures about, or forced listening sessions featuring, your favorite bands. In exchange for shutting up about it, you are more than welcome to select the musical accompaniment to almost all of our shared activities and you are welcome to present me with mixed CDs, if you like. Who knows, I might come to like your favorite music. Or, I might not.

6. I'd really like to date someone who's a decent conversationalist and can tell funny stories well. I'd also like it if that person were interested in what I had to say, asked me questions about my day, and didn't insist on setting the topic of all of our conversations so that he gets to control them. I use "he" here, because this is particularly a problem with men. (see Pamela Fishman, 1978, who found that men are more likely to interrupt female conversational partners, more likely to insist on controlling topics of conversation, and less likely to respond to conversational topics that women broach versus those of other men--meaning, when women broached topics men were more likely to ignore them or respond monosyllabically. Women, she found, were expected to listen to men more attentively than men listen to women and work to "draw men out" or facilitate further conversation on the conversational topics they (the men) had already broached.)

7. It would be nice if I could date someone who actually liked sex.

8. You cannot be allergic to cats. I have two. Also, I am not shutting them out of my room at night. Cats like to cuddle with you at night and early in the morning. That is what they are for, in fact.

9. She/he can't be super judgemental about my body...actually, this is more often also a problem with men. Yeah, I'm not super fit...fuck you, look at yourself in the mirror sometime, you balding walrus...

Okay, that's all the pent up frustration I can deal with right now....


Blogger jeremy said...

Why does everybody always pick on bald/balding guys?

2:33 PM  
Blogger A+ said...

Why does everybody always pick on fat chicks? It's a cruel world.

8:32 PM  
Blogger astrid jane said...

Sorry bubelah....i like balding, chubby dudes, personally, and balding skinny dudes, and chubby gals, and short guys, and, well, you know.... I have, however, been on dates with a few people in recent memory who, despite displaying a myriad of their own physical flaws (including being quite fat themselves), have felt perfectly comfortable telling me that they "just not all that attracted to women who aren't slender." Fuck that. I'm willing to love their not-perfect bodies, how come they can't accept mine?

Oh....and how come every guy on Nerve specifies that he'll date women up to 5'11 and no more than 150 pounds. 5'11 and only 150 pounds???? Do they want her to be missing a leg??? How many people that tall weigh only 150?


10:24 PM  
Blogger jeremy said...

Although I wouldn't proffer this as a whole or even primary explanation for the 5-11/150 phenomenon, I do think men generally have no idea what women weigh. I mean, the only exposure many men get to reported weights of women are that of models they see in certain specs-providing magazines and that of female friends who may be especially pleased with their weight. Science fair project: Take a man who seems like a Relatively Good Guy in terms of his sensibilities and point to various women out of earshot and ask him what he thinks they weigh. Unless he spent some time getting experience as a weight-guesser at the carnival, he'll be way off for women but more accurate if you ask about men.

5:50 PM  
Blogger A+ said...

Yep. I know that's true. I've heard a group of guys guess that a particularly thin woman friend of mine (who is 5'8") weighed 120. She actually weighed 155, but was muscular. They didn't have a clue.

5:54 PM  
Blogger jeremy said...

It's like men believe that women are not only generally smaller than women, but made out of fundamentally different and lighter stuff.

6:21 PM  
Blogger astrid jane said...

Well, in contrast to Ang's friend, I stand 5'7, weigh 160 pounds, and have little to no observable muscle.

10:23 AM  
Blogger jeremy said...

Someone made the unsolicited guess/suggestion just this morning that I set my goal weight for my ongoing diet at 160, which would be the lowest I've weighed since graduating high school. Needless to say, while I would be pleased as punch to weigh 160, my aspirations are way more modest. It's like once you lose five pounds, people presume that proceeding on to lose fifty is just more of the same.

11:01 AM  
Blogger dorotha said...

i can't stop thinking about how fat i am today and i blame the three of you for always talking about how fat you are.

11:01 AM  
Blogger astrid jane said...

Dorotha...if I were you I'd be more concerned about the buck teeth and that facial tick. Girl, you so ugly in that picture, you make a Picasso nude look like Playboy's Miss August.

12:08 PM  
Blogger A+ said...

Sure, blame the three of us. All I'm saying is, I'll stop bitching about my weight when it stops being the dealbreaker in EVERY POTENTIAL DATING ENCOUNTER I HAVE EVER HAD.

1:59 PM  

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