Friday, December 10, 2004

Little red flags

A posting from my adventures in online dating. In case you emailed my Nerve.com ad in the last year, were wondering why I didn't respond back, and happen to be reading my blog just now (highly unlikely, I know.) Why, indeed, didn't I write back?

1. Does your Nerve ad specify that you were searching for your "Heavy Metal Queen?" Were you yourself wearing a RATT T-shirt in your profile photo? Well, I'm not so fond of heavy metal myself, but thanks for thinking of me!

2. In the box that says "Zodiac Sign" did you actually ENTER your Zodiac sign? Moreover, did you provide more detail such as "born under a Virgo moon with Libra rising?" Yeah..um...astrology is pretty gay.

3. Did your ad include a photo of your cock? That might have had something to do with it.

4. Under the part that says "If I could be anywhere at the moment I'd be..." did you write "A turd in the litter box, because that's what I'd like to be: an island of shit surrounded by pussy"? Damn! Who taught you how to sweet-talk girls there, sport?

5. Do you have a really impressive Personals "Likes and Interests" CV full of vigorous outdoor activities, an interest in cutting edge Indie rock, and a love of well-rounded creative pursuits like writing poetry, playing the guitar, and cooking gourmet vegetarian meals? Yeah, I hate all that shit.

6. Did you, for some unfathomable reason, list your occupation as "Peace Warrior?" Is that what they call making espresso drinks these days? Because, unless I'm very much mistaken, you're that chick who works at Starbucks.

...so, yeah, did that answer your question?

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